Just a not very original rant about stereotypes

I get tired of hearing Chinese people are like this or that – they are aggressive and selfish, they are kind and giving and hard-working. Surely they are both those things, and more, as are all people groups in the world.

Let me illustrate with a story that just happened to me. I decided to take my three kids to the Olympic Forest Park by subway. So we didn’t go the most efficient route and we spent longer traveling than at the park. But that’s another story. As we got on the first subway train, the seats were all taken but I was fine standing with Joshua (3) for just a few stops. Still, a lady got up to give Joshua her seat, and before I even realized that she had, a young man sat down in the seat, apparently to be next to his girlfriend. The woman started berating him, gently but firmly, but he just stared at her and didn’t budge.

I was shocked and honestly speechless trying to process it. I felt so bad for this woman and regret that I didn’t yell at him myself or get out my camera and ask him again. Sure you can’t force people to give up their seat but to take someone else’s that they were giving up for a child is beyond disgraceful.

I tell this story to show an example of someone kind and thoughtful and someone who is a complete jerk. And they are both Chinese. In fact, by the time she’d given up and stood by the door, some other men gave up their seats for all of us. And for the rest of our journey on all but one train people moved for us.

Their father said he would have basically beat the guy up if he had been there. I said you can't do that or you will make yourself more of an ass than he was. And in fact there was a newspaper article a few days later about a man who did just that and was arrested. And in fact, public opinion was in favor of the man who didn't give up his seat for a woman with an infant (he had a health reason apparently). Yes, you can't make people, but communicate people and be courteous when you can.

At work, when breakfast is delivered (yes we get meals of sorts delivered), there are what I call vultures just waiting to take most of it and certainly the best of it. There can be such a culture of me first here that at times I want to slug people myself. But then others of my immediate colleagues will themselves haul some food away and offer me some. They don't like this behavior either.

Suddenly Seven

I admit with some shame that when my twins were born, for the first months all I could think about was how long it would be until they turned 18 and left for college. I didn’t realize that in fact once the “blur years” were over, it would get fun much faster.

Now they are turning 7 and, like every parent when a birthday comes around, I wonder how it passed so quickly. How the nursing and bottle feeding turned into eating sub sandwiches. How the diaper changing turned into locking the bathroom door to do their business. How the tottering turned into dreams of flying. How the scribbles turned into Chinese and English words

I think too of the (positive) things that haven’t changed. The laughs. The smiles. The need for mama. The dirty knees. The spaghetti, and chocolate, faces. Ethan the adrenaline junkie and artist with a love of drawing and dancing and a stubborn streak I don’t know where he got. Isaac the fearless sports player so eager to please and to be a big kid.

Suddenly Seven. And too Soon Seventeen I fear.

My Kids are Failing School (And I’m Proud of Them)

I suppose when my child brings home a 52 on a test, I should feel ashamed. I should push him to study more. I should devote more time to his education. I do do all those things, but mostly I feel proud.

You see, my twins are in a Chinese public school after living the first 5 years of their lives in the US not speaking much Chinese besides farting words and watermelon. After a year of immersion in a nursery school, then pre-school, they entered primary school.

They’ve tolerated it very well, even thrived. Yet we constantly battle the high expectations that most parents have of their children – understandably in an overpopulated country. Fortunately for us, as bilingual kids with a US passport, they will have plenty of opportunities in life so we can be relaxed.

Don't get me wrong, we do expect them to be constantly learning. So when they bring home a semester report card with a 100 in English, 92 in Math (amazing by itself considering the emphasis on math here and that problems require reading Chinese) and 50 in Chinese, I’m quite okay with that.

Chinese Education in Action

Last week the twins’ school had an open house, which of course we found out about a few days before and had to rearrange our work schedules. We took turns in each class, with me sitting in on Ethan’s during the math lesson.

Sitting there watching him squirm in his seat as others sat erect with their arms folded as instructed, I wondered if he was really ready for real school. It didn’t surprise me that he wouldn’t raise his hand to answer questions (or rather did only a couple times and very half-heartedly) - as in any school there are those who always raise their hands and those who don’t and his Chinese is still behind. Still, the teacher tried to call on everyone fairly (at least when parents were watching) and when Ethan didn’t raise his hand, she called him up to answer a question. He stood there still squirmy but listening and he answered the question correctly and loudly enough to meet her standards.

I decided he will do fine for now. During the usual lecture to parents part of the morning, the teachers listed the names of those who were doing well (not sure how that would go over in a US classroom) and both of their names made the list (although I may have misunderstood and those are the kids doing well in English!). I’ve heard that they sometimes use them as examples for other students who don’t get their homework done, as in “look, they have two and they’re still learning Chinese and they still do their homework”. We don't worry about grades at this point, just that they are learning - a 62 in Chinese, a 94 in English is normal (though I wonder how Ethan can miss the difference between a rabbit and tiger in English!) .

I only got to see Isaac in action during art class. The teacher put up all these nice pictures of cakes and things made of playdough and went through all the instructions for making the different shapes. So most of the kids made these small round shapes and little balls and some made some very intricate patterns and designs. Isaac, well, he made a big lump of what most people thought was an airplane but was in fact supposed to be a lizard. I was kind of cringing waiting for him to be told that wasn’t what he was supposed to be doing, but other parents appeared to be impressed, even taking pictures. And when five students were called up to get recognition, he was one of them. I was glad to see thinking outside the box rewarded. And I was also glad he knew how to say lizard in Chinese, because I wouldn’t have been able to help there!

Adventures in Chinese Education: Part 1

A big part of the reason we moved back to China was for the kids to assimilate with the local culture and language. After a first year that included a local nursery school and then preschool, the 6-year-old twins were flung full-on into our local public primary school this fall.

If I weren’t already accustomed to life in China where everything seems to be treated as a state secret, it would have been more challenging. The start date was moved at the last minute and then after being told orientation would last three days, we found out on day 1 it was only one day.

And on that first day, finding out we were to attend a parent orientation. Jack happily took off for work, leaving me to fend for myself as the only foreign parent in a mass of parents taking notes to learn everything about this important step in the life of their, in most cases, only child. I was left there worrying every time the parents started writing that I was missing something important, but also pleased with myself with how much I understood.

Probably the only-child culture makes the orientation parent lecture more of a necessity. And also the Chinese educational system. Somehow I didn’t find it reassuring to be told that my child might complain about being treated badly, but to rest assured the teachers were all doing a fine job. “This isn’t kindergarten anymore”, we were told, “so give them a month to adjust before complaining”.

We were also given instructions to make sure they sleep enough, don’t watch TV until homework has been finished and other obvious, though not always practiced, advice.

But I also have to say I have so far been pleased both with the grades they are getting (even if one gets about 10 more points behind the other and struggles with homework) and the teachers’ seemingly patient attitudes, assuring us the one that is lagging more is still doing just fine and not to worry. I expected to get more lectures about making him work harder or how his behavior is to blame or some such.

A Tiger Mother in Action

My husband, and sadly a room full of kids including my own, recently witnessed an event that makes Amy Chua seem more like a kitty mom.

There are three girls in my twins’ preschool class. Apparently two of them like to bully the other. This involves scratching her with pencils. Yes, that’s bad but so far no real injury at least. So…Jack goes to pick up our boys one day after one such incident happened. The bully’s mother arrived and was told what happened.

When her daughter denied it, she proceeded to yell and beat her quite violently. Other parents and staff intervened and sustained minor injuries. Some kids ran out crying because they were scared. Eventually the mother settled down and cried about how hard it was to control her daughter and her daughter’s lies.

Okay, so, so far this is something sad but it could happen anywhere. What happened next is what’s interesting. Virtually all the parents witnessing this event said, “Wow, I thought I was bad”.  And, in fact, in some ways sympathized with the mother. In other words, getting angry with their children is the norm. And not just the norm, but considered okay. 

I don’t know if it’s that they don’t consider other methods effective. Maybe it’s the pressure of a one-child highly competitive society. I don’t think the level witnessed is the norm, and certainly many times I witness much patience and kindness. It’s not my culture or place to judge, though I wonder how this attitude that my husband sometimes has as well will play out as the boys start primary school.

Why Chinese Potty Training is Superior

Just after starting Chinese-style potty training with our 2-year-old toddler in Beijing, it became clear we’d unleashed a monster. His brothers were just 3 and not potty trained when we visited China and they took to peeing on streets and rocks with great relish. It seems, surprisingly, their brother is related.

Decked out in newly cut slit pants, the first time he accidently peed on the playground in our courtyard it took him by surprise. He recovered quickly and headed to every puddle and rock that caught his attention and tried to squeeze every last drop out.  I’m hoping he will soon contain his enthusiasm and be able to wear real pants or pull ups. He does miss having the cushioning when he falls.

Still, I’m not complaining and he is more cautious indoors. There’s something to be said for Chinese potty training and now I think we could have started earlier with the “elimination communication” that goes along with it for younger ones. And while the potty boot camp method we did use is gaining popularity in the States as well, doing it in China where you aren’t constrained to your house has its advantages.